Never losing love

What do you do when your soul mate doesn't love you anymore? What do you do when your best friend is gone because he was the one that broke your heart? Well, you do what any sensible woman would do... you cry, you talk to your girlfriends, you get mad, like a mad you never knew existed and then you erase every memory and plan of the future and start to move on. But what does moving on truly look like? You do what everyone says to do... you go out and you date and you meet new people that make you say "ok, I can do this, I can love someone else." And then it hits you like a ton a bricks, that person has just as much, if not more baggage as you do and it isn't going to work with them either. So you are left feeling lost and confused and questioning, "what am I doing wrong?" I moved on and got crushed again for opening my heart and giving more love than you ever thought was possible because you thought it was all drained out of you.

So the cycle continues until you look at yourself in the mirror and say "what the hell are you doing?" You take a step back and you don't even recognize the shell of person you have become because you have left pieces of yourself with all of these people. And you realize the harshest reality of all- this is all your doing. Blame it on your ex, blame it on the friend that stabbed you in the back, blame it on the guy that used you or the one that didn't want you but in the end; it's you. You allowed this all to happen. And why? You don't want your heart to break anymore, that is for damn sure. You do it for two reasons- 1.) you are afraid that you have lost war and 2.) you can't stand the idea of being alone and forever loving the one person that let you go, that forced you out.

I am not saying that it is your fault that your ex just woke up one day and decided that the love and sacrifice you gave was not enough for him. What I am saying is that, it is your fault that you didn't handle things differently. You didn't allow for time to take it's course, you decided that you could put on a happy face and "win" this break up, after all you are the better person. He never deserved you in the first place, so this is for the best. Best to have loved and lost then spend your whole life with a pile of crazy.  So you went out and found someone who was perfect on paper but carried a load of baggage a lot heavier than your own and in the end he couldn't stand to carry both of your bags. So you walked away because you have learned it is better to not throw salt in an opened wound.

So you convinced yourself this is what you want. But you lay awake at night thinking, "how the hell has my life changed this much in six months." The days have flew by and you have lost all track of time. You lay awake thinking about the memories and the plans for the future that you once shared, meanwhile texting another man that makes you feel like your worth his time. But, after weeks of investing into that guy, his baggage will become too heavy as well and your'e cut from his life because he is too scared to allow himself to have real feelings for you. But do you really care, you started texting him in the first place because you needed to move on from the heartache train.

So here you sit 6 months out from the night your whole life came crashing down. You know in your heart that you and your ex certainly weren't meant to be. It was toxic and would have ruined you. However, there is the part of you that knows no matter the amount of time that goes by, you will always love him. Love him on this weird level of love and passion that no one, not even yourself can understand. And you sit back and watch as he moves on with someone else. It is the very thing you tried to do but failed miserably at doing and you think does he love her on the level of passion that we loved? You want to give up and throw in the towel completely. You have lost your care because caring has only broken your spirit.

And maybe giving up, isn't so bad after all. Maybe it is time you learn what alone feels like and instead of run from the solidarity, run to it. Find that 18 year girl with a spirit of hope in love and renew her joy. Invest in those around you, you know, the ones that truly love you. And wait for that one guy to "come home." To be everything that every other one was incapable of being. He may never replace the ones that broke your heart, but he will super glue the broken pieces back together so you can feel whole again. You may have already met him, he may be right around the corner but for now embrace the imperfect feeling of pure loneliness. And revel in the imperfect feelings that Gods plan is bigger than you ever imagined. He made you have a heart this big for a reason. He made you see the good in people, when you want so badly to see the bad. He made you have a heart that is incapable of hate. While you can't see the good in that now, one day you will look back and say this is the reason for my pain. Someone will walk into your life that is strong enough to carry your baggage and carry his but still have room to hold your hand. You have always been the one holding on and carrying their luggage so they would hurt less. Because at the end of the day, you love that person and want to be there strength. But when you are the only one fighting, you are only fighting yourself.

Make the choice

Life is about choices. From the day we are born, we are given choices to make everyday. Some choices we make, could change our lives and others are just a part of the journey in getting us to where we are going.

God created each of us to have our own free will. But in the process, he has tasked us with seeking his will in our lives. I have learned to take each day, one day at time. It is very easy to get caught up in rushing through life. When I was in college, I was dying for graduation day, that I missed those little moments that made college so special. My sister is getting married in July and while we all are enjoying the days leading to her wedding, we catch ourselves saying that we can't wait until the day after. But if we are living for the day after, we are missing the moments that make the big event so special.

I talked about road blocks in a previous blog, well God puts up these barriers to test us but to also make us stop. Make us stop rushing and stop planning for tomorrow, when we could be loving him in the here and now. We could be seeking what he wants for us TODAY and not planning what he wants for us ten years from now.

The other day someone asked me if I have any regrets for my past decisions? As I sat there thinking about it, the answer was no. I don't regret giving second chances, I don't regret loving deeply and I certainly don't regret being the woman God created me to be. Another friend of mine said to me, you hold yourself together pretty well when you are falling a part. And she was right, when I want to break down and crawl back into bed, God has granted me the gift of being content in the storm. Sure, I break down but at the end of the day, I am filled with grace and mercy.

I believe in the ability to make the choice to change and I believe in the ability to make the choice to forgive. I still believe in the ability to fix our wrongs and be better than we were yesterday.  God grants heartache for you to have time to know where your heart is and where it is going. Another friend couldn't understand how excited I was to be alone. Like truly alone, no one but me, myself and I. He couldn't get it and I couldn't explain but I was so happy to spend an entire day alone in complete solitude. And again, this was a choice that I made, I wanted to "shut off and shut out" the noise. To find time for me and some peace with just me and God,

As I continue to walk through this journey in seeking Gods will, I know there will be people that don't agree with me. That question my choices but they are mine and they are what I feel God is calling me to. After years and years of aiming to please everyone else, I have selfishly decided to do what makes me happy (in reasonable means, that is). Its time that we all start living in the here and now. I am not saying that you shouldn't put others first and care for others, because God calls us to do that as well. To be selfless and exhibit grace to all of Gods children but I am saying that it is okay to make your heart happy because how can you share the love of Christ without loving yourself and being at your best.

This world is very flawed. No sin is greater than the next persons. We all are hurting in some way, our options are to cut ourselves out of the world, stay in the solidarity bubble or go out there and blossom. Love and forgive. Dream and live well. The line between what is right and what is wrong is often gray and we walk a delicate balance between the two. We walk carefully,taking advice from others and feeding our own heart and soul. We need to live lives that are less stressful and more God driven. Be at peace with what happened yesterday and decide what is best for you, according to Gods plan. Never cease to give mercy to those who hurt us, never stop showing love to those that need it and never think that you are being selfish for finding your happiness. Your'e a perfectly imperfect vessel that God has called to have a heart of forgiveness and grace and you should never be ashamed of  that.

When is it okay to be selfish

Our entire lives we are taught to put others first, think of others and say sorry when you mess up. But I am sitting here thinking, I just want to be selfish. I want for once for my heart and head to make sense. I want things to go my way,  I want to live in the alternative universe where everything is bright and sunny. I want it to be all about me and getting what I want without have to spell out what I want.

Have you ever just wanted to stop. I mean honestly stop and be an outsider, looking at your life from the outside in, in hopes that you could just fix it. Because I do, I feel like I am going through the motions and pretending to smile and literally all the things that are "my life" feel like someone else entirely.  I know right from wrong but I also never know what I am feeling. One minute I'm floating along and the next I am rock bottom, struggling for air.

I have never been a selfish person. I am not bragging or boasting about this because I am sure there are times that I thought of myself before someone else. But at this current time all I can do is think about everyone else but me. How is this effecting my friends, my family? How is this effecting the person I still love dearly? I can't seem to think of myself and damn it, I really want to. But I am so confused, I can't do it.

God created love right? So love should be this all encompassing and wonderful thing. We shouldn't run from it or hide from it but embrace it. Well I have embraced love and sorry for the downer- it has gotten me no where. I have loved with all I am and continue to do so but still feel like I am living someone elses life. I expected to be a lot further along than this by now, I little less confused and twisted about. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what I want and what I deserve but my heart is some place else. I just want to be selfish and have it all figured out.

Here's the kicker- I thought I did. Maybe that is where I want wrong, having the confidence that because I knew what I wanted and I had it...I thought I could keep it. I thought love could conquer all, I thought if things went my way, things would somehow fall into place. Now, I sit here, thinking I DON'T KNOW! I don't know a damn thing.

I went away this past weekend, hoping to leave heartache somewhere in the sky between here and New Orleans. But it found me right where I was. As I stood in the New Orleans airport about to take flight, I felt tears falling down my face, as I thought about the fact that I wasn't going home to what I originally had planned. It was gone and all I had left were memories and confusion as to what the future will hold. But was it actually gone? I selfishly was holding onto a shred of hope that it wasn't. That some grand gesture, that can only be described as a miracle would happen and my heart would be back on track. And literally, yesterday I thought I was figuring it out, I thought we had seen the light and we were pulling through.

Ok, ok so if you have read all this crap and your'e thinking wow pessimistic penny thanks for brightening my rainy day. I say your'e welcome because this one is about me. I wish I was strong enough to say I have complete faith in not knowing how to feel or what to do or what will happen cause I don't. I faith in God's plan, I don't have faith in my ability to ride along, I am simply falling apart. You want to know where I stand? I am standing on a line of fear and loss able to know how to let my heart move on. My heart has been pulled through the mud and I have faith that God has a lesson in this but I can't find the answers, I have no control of the situation.

I have learned to just live each day seeking something to make me happy, even when I want to cry. To remember the 18 year old I once was and all the dreams she had for the future, that seem lost. To remember who I am, who I am becoming and become my own hero. I have learned that your expectations do not always match the reality and you can't force a person to be the person you seem them being. All you can do is embrace the perfectly imperfect you and hope that the heartache will soon end and the life you had envisioned is gone and your new destiny becomes reality.

I Need a Getaway Car

Life is not suppose to be this complicated. Or is it that some of us handle the shit-storms a little better than the rest of us. I knew that in my life there would be times of great joy and times of heart break, I just wish someone could have prepared me for the severity of the hurt. In January, I made a New Years resolution to just be happy and love it all and to find love that would last. If you would have told me on New Years eve that on March 4th I would be sitting here completely heart broken and feeling lost, I would have told you that you were crazy.

But none the less, here I am. I was talking to a good friend last night that reminded me that it is okay to see the best in people because God sees the best in people. And while I know this to be true, I can't comprehend in this moment why God has placed this situation in my life. In time it will all make sense and I pray that I will be at peace. But right here, right now, there is no peace. I go through the motions of my day, faking a smile because that is what I am suppose to do. But inside my head and heart there is confusion and deep feeling of betrayal that I can not seem to shake off. It's as if I am waiting for some grand gesture of romance that will never come. Holding onto this false hope that is simply that-false.

Isn't that really all that we all really want? For someone to respect and love us enough to either fight to win us or fight to keep us theirs. To spend everyday making you feel like you are the only person alive and make you feel like a princess or prince. I mean it may sound selfish or superficial but don't we all long for a person to look at you every morning like they did the first time they saw you. And even if the relationship is a lost cause and there is no hope of repair, don't we hold onto hope that there will be some form of atonement and remorse for hurting you. For taking away your ability to trust and altering your feeling of self-respect.

We script out all the things we should have said, would have said or could say if and when that person puts their ego and pride aside and fully owns up to being shitty. But the reality is that life does not come with a how-to manual for maneuvering through this thing call adulthood. And these dreams or scenes that your build up in your mind, never become reality.

I get it, all people make mistakes and there are times that we succumb to the temptations of the devil, however, what I struggle to understand is the lack of respect for others. I am a forgiving person, my sin is no less than that of the next person. God has given me the ability to move on, however, I lack in the ability to let go. Sure, I can give the situation over to God but at the end of the day and probably for years to come, I will struggle with letting it go. I am a passionate person that seeks to understand others, I am empathetic and when I make commitment to you, I don't waiver from that promise even when you have given me all reasons to tell you to simply "F-off."

I am who I am but honestly one thing I would change is that when someone hurts me, I seek to understand them, instead of harboring anger towards them. But as I replay the current situation over and over, I can not begin to comprehend it. I'm not saying I want to be this angry, irrational person with a cold heart, I just don't want to try and see it from their perspective but I can't do it. What were you thinking? Did I cross you mind? Did you think of anything other than you?  Are you really making excuses?

Through these situations though, there is always a brighter day. I feel like in the past month nothing has been going right. I was turned down from a company for job that I really wanted,  I was hurt by a person I never expected to hurt me and I got insanely sick that I seriously thought my life was ending. I pray that things come in threes and this storm in my life is passing by. Tomorrow I am suppose to fly to New Orleans to see my cousin. I am hopeful, despite the snow-ma-geddon we are suppose to get that I will leave on time. Because lets be honest, no one will want to be around me if I am not in New Orleans  tomorrow night. I  have a wanderlust spirit and I need to getaway from my day to day. My cousin although she is younger than me has always had a way of knowing exactly how I am feeling and even has the words of wisdom that speak right to me. That is reason one I NEED this trip. Reason two-I need to be in place that I have never been, to explore and feel alive with the fear of not knowing where I am or where I am going. Sure, my cousin will be my guide, but the only thing that has ever awakened a new sense of peace in me is when I GO. Get out of norm and explore the possibility of something new. Falling in love with a new place and in turn knowing that in this hurt love is still possible.

Trust me, I never expected  to have life figured out at 22, but I definitely did not anticipate to be this twisted around. You know in elementary school when they asked "Where will you be in 15 years?" Well, I think my 7 year old self did not foresee this, she would probably think, "really, you are lame, we are suppose to be married to a member of Nsync and have a career in promotions with a dog and two kids by now." Well maybe MASH was created to confused small children into thinking life is an endless road of easy possibilities.

So if you have muddled through this long winded rant of mine- thank you, you are blessing to me as I muddle my way through this ever so bumpy perfectly imperfect life.

An Ode to my Broken Heart

"I should have known by the way you passed me by

There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right

I should have walked, but I never had the chance

Everything got out of hand and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame

For falling for your stupid games

I wish my life could be

The way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry

Took the lonely and took me for a ride"
Thanks for the Advice Carrie Underwood :) 

Hey heart, 

It's me again. Sorry to put you through hell again but this is what we get for not aligning what the brain said. We were scared, we didn't want to be let down again but we couldn't let a good thing pass us by. A good thing that could have been a great thing. You were in a million broken pieces and were tired of being dragged through the mud but we thought we had gotten it right this time. The pieces were being put back together and we were on cloud nine. We have never been more happy or had such a sense of peace and comfort with a total stranger. 

One mistake, shatteres it all. 

But there were red flags that the brain cautioned us about, but we thought love could get us through any hardship. You and I, we have always been hopeless romantics, praying for prince charming to save the day. We see the best in people and forgive more often than we should. We are optimistic and hope for the best, even when  storm clouds roll in. Our ability to forgive was questioned and I think that is the hardest part. 

It is hard for me to stay mad at you because you have given me so much joy in the past. We have been through a rough journey and God do I pray that it is coming to end. The next chapter will have more laughs and less tears. But, for now we are both hurting. We never expected this and we trusted that this would not happen. I mean how could it? We were so in love and for the first time in years, we felt content, we felt like the storm had passed and the future was bright. 

We fell in love fast this time, until now we had never believed in love at first sight. And like always, we gave it our all, we were the best we could be and nothing more. We gave our all and we are left with nothing but questions. You didn't expect it to end like this or end so soon, we had put all our faith in love and love let us down. 

The craziest thing of all is that we have been left questioning ourselves. Where did we go wrong? How did we get hurt again? How are we left still loving the people that have hurt us? 

Heart break makes zero sense and there is no rationalizing it. We are left feeling a little lost because we had started to become dependent on hearing that persons voice, seeing their smile and still at the end of the day, you don't hate them. Why is that? Because when you made a commitment, you took on their baggage and in despite of it, you loved them and you still love the person you fell for. There are words left unsaid and actions that you prayed for that will never come. We wanted passion, we wanted fight, we wanted what we were giving in return. 

I can't promise you that this is the last time I put you through this. But we are both so guarded now and so unbelievably scared.  I can promise that we will heal just like every other time and trust again. But for now, we are broken vessels, listening for answers. I keep replaying every conversation over and over. Thinking what was real, what was not? And if love is blind, why were there no other signs of disaster. I replay the words over and over. Read the text messages and can not process it. 

 None of it is fair and neither of us deserved this. We had come so very far, only to be broken down further then before. How is it easier to walk away then fight for something you once wanted more than anything? Make one mistake and say sorry and it means nothing to us. 

I'm sorry for the confusion and the pain. I'm sorry this can't be fixed with a band-aid or a hug. We were so sure of this one.The memory and the promises that are now broken haunt us both. We look to the future but are lost because what we thought is now rewritten. We fell so fast and we were broken so much faster. We look to the people that love us most for comfort. But at the end of the day we are still confused and have no idea how we got here. We are both smarter and tougher than the shell we are now. I don't know, I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry we got hurt again. I'm sorry that nothing  but time will make this easier. And even then, it will not make sense. For now, we pretend we are fine, when we are nothing close to being fine. You feel betrayed and don't understand how the words "I love you" now weigh on your heart and mean nothing. How someone could be so much to you and you mean so little. 

For now, we take comfort in the not so perfect imperfect journey. God is closing a door for a reason we may never know but we have to trust that in the pain,there is healing. 

Sincerely, 

Me

When Life Gives You Roadblocks

When Life Gives You Roadblocks

So your'e driving along, full speed down the highway of life. Windows down, wind in your hair, jammin' to tunes, and not a cloud in the sky. Life could not be a smoother ride. Then out of no where.... BAM! You hit a wall. Your'e perfect drive through life just become a total mess. So what are you suppose to do?


I HAVE NO IDEA. That's the conclusion that I have come to in my 22 years of life. Either you pick up the pieces and rebuild the car that is in a million pieces or go out and buy a new one and move on. There are moments in life (more than I would like to admit to in my own life) that just simply wear you down and attempt to break you. But, that's the silver lining- you have two options. 1) you let it break you down and tear you apart or 2) you use it and grow from it.


I've had the week from hell. And all I keep saying to is "God, have I not had enough?" In which he responds, "No- I am using this to test you and to shape you, just like all the other trials I have thrown your way and will throw your way in the future." I'm a fairly optimistic person with an outlook that you might as well dance in the storm instead of let it get you down. However, there is this times that I like to call "the impact stage." This is as soon as you hit the wall and realize- I am not dead but what the hell do I do now? Here's what I have found works... Breath, a good five minutes of breathing. And then you cry, say a lot of nonsense and just cry. Cry in bed, cry in the car, cry at work (when appropriate), cry at the gym. Just cry until your body says its had enough. And then sleep. Do something that makes you happy. And then think pray about the impact and what do from there.

Now here's the part that is so hard. Dealing with the other people that are effected. You seek support and answers from loved ones, you take in their advice and use it and do what is best for you. And this is where it sucks because you have to do what is best for you and what you and God want for you but your actions are effecting more than just yourself. Now, at the end of the day, the people who truly love you will love you no matter what decision you make but in getting there, that is the issue.


So you have taken all the necessary steps. You've prayed, you've cried, you've talked, you even listened to Taylor Swift and Kelly Clarkson to give you a boost of confidence that flew out the window at some point and now its up to you. And you wish so hard that your head and heart would align. You see about a year ago, I hit a wall and followed my heart. Do I regret it? I don't think so. Because it taught me a lot and made me a better person. I've always followed my heart and rebuilt the car. Because there is something wonderful about the nostalgia and feel of the car you love. But, remember, if you hit the same wall over and over... throw out the pieces and buy a new car. I see the best in people and some see it as a sign of weakness, I see it as a sign of integrity and character. I believe in second chances and even at the age of 22, I believe in fairy tales and a happy ending. Life is journey with a lot of roadblocks, some of us have more than others, however, the ride is imperfect and figuring out the best route of travel makes it absolutely perfect.


I  have yet to determine the best route of travel past the roadblock. Do you plow right through, go around it or build a ramp and fly right over it? Again, I say... I HAVE NO IDEA. Each one roadblock is different and there is no guarantee of what is on the other side. Maybe you need to kick it in reverse and readjust. I don't know the answer, I don't know who  you listen to... the voice in your head or the song in your heart. Whichever, path you take through, don't ever regret, don't ever question but strive to keep moving.

New Year, New Me?

New Year, New Me?

New Year, New Me? How many times have you heard this in the past few days? Too many to count? Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.  Really? Lets see how long those resolutions last people. But, in all seriousness, this "New Year, New Me," statement got me thinking... and we all know what that means... time for 2015's first imperfect blog post.

First- why are we so absorbed in the concept of starting over in the new year. Can we not set goals or resolutions, in say, March? Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of the "New Year" just as much as the next optimistic human being. I love the idea of the endless possibilities and memories that are yet to be made. But, I'm not about to make earth shattering changes about me and my life in a bar at midnight on the eve of the new year.  I think we all know what kind of shenanigans would take place, if that was the case.

For every high in 2014, I feel like there was a low. There were so many awesome things that happened, yet I brought in 2015, saying "thank God that year is over!" But, heres where I like this stupid "New Year, New Me," phrase.  2014 is now a memory and 2015 started off pretty great. I started the year surrounded by people that make me so happy and I had my first new years kiss. Yes, it's true, it was my first because no one was every worthy of starting my new year off kissing.

I am so excited for this next year, there are so many wonderful things happening and I am filled with so much happiness to make all these memories. My sister is marrying the man of her dreams, one of my best friends is planning her wedding and one of my cousin is having her second child. I am going to New York for the weekend with my three best friends and then in March I am finally going to New Orleans. It's all these plans and events that I am excited for but there is also a hopefulness that I haven't felt in years. So I am putting the hurt of 2014 behind and looking forward to 2015 and all the years ahead. I am so excited to see Gods plan unfold in my own life and the lives of the ones that I love.

So "New Year, New me?" I don't think this is a new me at all, its a me that I haven't known in a very long time. I feel like that 18 year old girl, who had just graduated high school and was embarking on the exciting journey of the "real world." Well, with my college graduation year behind me and all the things that were holding me down, I feel that same excitement now. I know I will fall in love in many ways this years and with that, I am sure I will be hurt but for the first time in very long time, I can say- "It's okay."

So honestly I am not making any resolutions, I am not changing who I am. But, I am going to continue to embrace this perfectly imperfect life and make a lot of wonderful new memories. Happy 2015 everyone :)