An Ode to my Broken Heart

"I should have known by the way you passed me by

There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right

I should have walked, but I never had the chance

Everything got out of hand and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame

For falling for your stupid games

I wish my life could be

The way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry

Took the lonely and took me for a ride"
Thanks for the Advice Carrie Underwood :) 

Hey heart, 

It's me again. Sorry to put you through hell again but this is what we get for not aligning what the brain said. We were scared, we didn't want to be let down again but we couldn't let a good thing pass us by. A good thing that could have been a great thing. You were in a million broken pieces and were tired of being dragged through the mud but we thought we had gotten it right this time. The pieces were being put back together and we were on cloud nine. We have never been more happy or had such a sense of peace and comfort with a total stranger. 

One mistake, shatteres it all. 

But there were red flags that the brain cautioned us about, but we thought love could get us through any hardship. You and I, we have always been hopeless romantics, praying for prince charming to save the day. We see the best in people and forgive more often than we should. We are optimistic and hope for the best, even when  storm clouds roll in. Our ability to forgive was questioned and I think that is the hardest part. 

It is hard for me to stay mad at you because you have given me so much joy in the past. We have been through a rough journey and God do I pray that it is coming to end. The next chapter will have more laughs and less tears. But, for now we are both hurting. We never expected this and we trusted that this would not happen. I mean how could it? We were so in love and for the first time in years, we felt content, we felt like the storm had passed and the future was bright. 

We fell in love fast this time, until now we had never believed in love at first sight. And like always, we gave it our all, we were the best we could be and nothing more. We gave our all and we are left with nothing but questions. You didn't expect it to end like this or end so soon, we had put all our faith in love and love let us down. 

The craziest thing of all is that we have been left questioning ourselves. Where did we go wrong? How did we get hurt again? How are we left still loving the people that have hurt us? 

Heart break makes zero sense and there is no rationalizing it. We are left feeling a little lost because we had started to become dependent on hearing that persons voice, seeing their smile and still at the end of the day, you don't hate them. Why is that? Because when you made a commitment, you took on their baggage and in despite of it, you loved them and you still love the person you fell for. There are words left unsaid and actions that you prayed for that will never come. We wanted passion, we wanted fight, we wanted what we were giving in return. 

I can't promise you that this is the last time I put you through this. But we are both so guarded now and so unbelievably scared.  I can promise that we will heal just like every other time and trust again. But for now, we are broken vessels, listening for answers. I keep replaying every conversation over and over. Thinking what was real, what was not? And if love is blind, why were there no other signs of disaster. I replay the words over and over. Read the text messages and can not process it. 

 None of it is fair and neither of us deserved this. We had come so very far, only to be broken down further then before. How is it easier to walk away then fight for something you once wanted more than anything? Make one mistake and say sorry and it means nothing to us. 

I'm sorry for the confusion and the pain. I'm sorry this can't be fixed with a band-aid or a hug. We were so sure of this one.The memory and the promises that are now broken haunt us both. We look to the future but are lost because what we thought is now rewritten. We fell so fast and we were broken so much faster. We look to the people that love us most for comfort. But at the end of the day we are still confused and have no idea how we got here. We are both smarter and tougher than the shell we are now. I don't know, I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry we got hurt again. I'm sorry that nothing  but time will make this easier. And even then, it will not make sense. For now, we pretend we are fine, when we are nothing close to being fine. You feel betrayed and don't understand how the words "I love you" now weigh on your heart and mean nothing. How someone could be so much to you and you mean so little. 

For now, we take comfort in the not so perfect imperfect journey. God is closing a door for a reason we may never know but we have to trust that in the pain,there is healing. 

Sincerely, 

Me