Life is not suppose to be this complicated. Or is it that some of us handle the shit-storms a little better than the rest of us. I knew that in my life there would be times of great joy and times of heart break, I just wish someone could have prepared me for the severity of the hurt. In January, I made a New Years resolution to just be happy and love it all and to find love that would last. If you would have told me on New Years eve that on March 4th I would be sitting here completely heart broken and feeling lost, I would have told you that you were crazy.
But none the less, here I am. I was talking to a good friend last night that reminded me that it is okay to see the best in people because God sees the best in people. And while I know this to be true, I can't comprehend in this moment why God has placed this situation in my life. In time it will all make sense and I pray that I will be at peace. But right here, right now, there is no peace. I go through the motions of my day, faking a smile because that is what I am suppose to do. But inside my head and heart there is confusion and deep feeling of betrayal that I can not seem to shake off. It's as if I am waiting for some grand gesture of romance that will never come. Holding onto this false hope that is simply that-false.
Isn't that really all that we all really want? For someone to respect and love us enough to either fight to win us or fight to keep us theirs. To spend everyday making you feel like you are the only person alive and make you feel like a princess or prince. I mean it may sound selfish or superficial but don't we all long for a person to look at you every morning like they did the first time they saw you. And even if the relationship is a lost cause and there is no hope of repair, don't we hold onto hope that there will be some form of atonement and remorse for hurting you. For taking away your ability to trust and altering your feeling of self-respect.
We script out all the things we should have said, would have said or could say if and when that person puts their ego and pride aside and fully owns up to being shitty. But the reality is that life does not come with a how-to manual for maneuvering through this thing call adulthood. And these dreams or scenes that your build up in your mind, never become reality.
I get it, all people make mistakes and there are times that we succumb to the temptations of the devil, however, what I struggle to understand is the lack of respect for others. I am a forgiving person, my sin is no less than that of the next person. God has given me the ability to move on, however, I lack in the ability to let go. Sure, I can give the situation over to God but at the end of the day and probably for years to come, I will struggle with letting it go. I am a passionate person that seeks to understand others, I am empathetic and when I make commitment to you, I don't waiver from that promise even when you have given me all reasons to tell you to simply "F-off."
I am who I am but honestly one thing I would change is that when someone hurts me, I seek to understand them, instead of harboring anger towards them. But as I replay the current situation over and over, I can not begin to comprehend it. I'm not saying I want to be this angry, irrational person with a cold heart, I just don't want to try and see it from their perspective but I can't do it. What were you thinking? Did I cross you mind? Did you think of anything other than you? Are you really making excuses?
Through these situations though, there is always a brighter day. I feel like in the past month nothing has been going right. I was turned down from a company for job that I really wanted, I was hurt by a person I never expected to hurt me and I got insanely sick that I seriously thought my life was ending. I pray that things come in threes and this storm in my life is passing by. Tomorrow I am suppose to fly to New Orleans to see my cousin. I am hopeful, despite the snow-ma-geddon we are suppose to get that I will leave on time. Because lets be honest, no one will want to be around me if I am not in New Orleans tomorrow night. I have a wanderlust spirit and I need to getaway from my day to day. My cousin although she is younger than me has always had a way of knowing exactly how I am feeling and even has the words of wisdom that speak right to me. That is reason one I NEED this trip. Reason two-I need to be in place that I have never been, to explore and feel alive with the fear of not knowing where I am or where I am going. Sure, my cousin will be my guide, but the only thing that has ever awakened a new sense of peace in me is when I GO. Get out of norm and explore the possibility of something new. Falling in love with a new place and in turn knowing that in this hurt love is still possible.
Trust me, I never expected to have life figured out at 22, but I definitely did not anticipate to be this twisted around. You know in elementary school when they asked "Where will you be in 15 years?" Well, I think my 7 year old self did not foresee this, she would probably think, "really, you are lame, we are suppose to be married to a member of Nsync and have a career in promotions with a dog and two kids by now." Well maybe MASH was created to confused small children into thinking life is an endless road of easy possibilities.
So if you have muddled through this long winded rant of mine- thank you, you are blessing to me as I muddle my way through this ever so bumpy perfectly imperfect life.
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