Have you ever just wanted to stop. I mean honestly stop and be an outsider, looking at your life from the outside in, in hopes that you could just fix it. Because I do, I feel like I am going through the motions and pretending to smile and literally all the things that are "my life" feel like someone else entirely. I know right from wrong but I also never know what I am feeling. One minute I'm floating along and the next I am rock bottom, struggling for air.
I have never been a selfish person. I am not bragging or boasting about this because I am sure there are times that I thought of myself before someone else. But at this current time all I can do is think about everyone else but me. How is this effecting my friends, my family? How is this effecting the person I still love dearly? I can't seem to think of myself and damn it, I really want to. But I am so confused, I can't do it.
God created love right? So love should be this all encompassing and wonderful thing. We shouldn't run from it or hide from it but embrace it. Well I have embraced love and sorry for the downer- it has gotten me no where. I have loved with all I am and continue to do so but still feel like I am living someone elses life. I expected to be a lot further along than this by now, I little less confused and twisted about. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what I want and what I deserve but my heart is some place else. I just want to be selfish and have it all figured out.
Here's the kicker- I thought I did. Maybe that is where I want wrong, having the confidence that because I knew what I wanted and I had it...I thought I could keep it. I thought love could conquer all, I thought if things went my way, things would somehow fall into place. Now, I sit here, thinking I DON'T KNOW! I don't know a damn thing.
I went away this past weekend, hoping to leave heartache somewhere in the sky between here and New Orleans. But it found me right where I was. As I stood in the New Orleans airport about to take flight, I felt tears falling down my face, as I thought about the fact that I wasn't going home to what I originally had planned. It was gone and all I had left were memories and confusion as to what the future will hold. But was it actually gone? I selfishly was holding onto a shred of hope that it wasn't. That some grand gesture, that can only be described as a miracle would happen and my heart would be back on track. And literally, yesterday I thought I was figuring it out, I thought we had seen the light and we were pulling through.
Ok, ok so if you have read all this crap and your'e thinking wow pessimistic penny thanks for brightening my rainy day. I say your'e welcome because this one is about me. I wish I was strong enough to say I have complete faith in not knowing how to feel or what to do or what will happen cause I don't. I faith in God's plan, I don't have faith in my ability to ride along, I am simply falling apart. You want to know where I stand? I am standing on a line of fear and loss able to know how to let my heart move on. My heart has been pulled through the mud and I have faith that God has a lesson in this but I can't find the answers, I have no control of the situation.
I have learned to just live each day seeking something to make me happy, even when I want to cry. To remember the 18 year old I once was and all the dreams she had for the future, that seem lost. To remember who I am, who I am becoming and become my own hero. I have learned that your expectations do not always match the reality and you can't force a person to be the person you seem them being. All you can do is embrace the perfectly imperfect you and hope that the heartache will soon end and the life you had envisioned is gone and your new destiny becomes reality.
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