Never losing love

What do you do when your soul mate doesn't love you anymore? What do you do when your best friend is gone because he was the one that broke your heart? Well, you do what any sensible woman would do... you cry, you talk to your girlfriends, you get mad, like a mad you never knew existed and then you erase every memory and plan of the future and start to move on. But what does moving on truly look like? You do what everyone says to do... you go out and you date and you meet new people that make you say "ok, I can do this, I can love someone else." And then it hits you like a ton a bricks, that person has just as much, if not more baggage as you do and it isn't going to work with them either. So you are left feeling lost and confused and questioning, "what am I doing wrong?" I moved on and got crushed again for opening my heart and giving more love than you ever thought was possible because you thought it was all drained out of you.

So the cycle continues until you look at yourself in the mirror and say "what the hell are you doing?" You take a step back and you don't even recognize the shell of person you have become because you have left pieces of yourself with all of these people. And you realize the harshest reality of all- this is all your doing. Blame it on your ex, blame it on the friend that stabbed you in the back, blame it on the guy that used you or the one that didn't want you but in the end; it's you. You allowed this all to happen. And why? You don't want your heart to break anymore, that is for damn sure. You do it for two reasons- 1.) you are afraid that you have lost war and 2.) you can't stand the idea of being alone and forever loving the one person that let you go, that forced you out.

I am not saying that it is your fault that your ex just woke up one day and decided that the love and sacrifice you gave was not enough for him. What I am saying is that, it is your fault that you didn't handle things differently. You didn't allow for time to take it's course, you decided that you could put on a happy face and "win" this break up, after all you are the better person. He never deserved you in the first place, so this is for the best. Best to have loved and lost then spend your whole life with a pile of crazy.  So you went out and found someone who was perfect on paper but carried a load of baggage a lot heavier than your own and in the end he couldn't stand to carry both of your bags. So you walked away because you have learned it is better to not throw salt in an opened wound.

So you convinced yourself this is what you want. But you lay awake at night thinking, "how the hell has my life changed this much in six months." The days have flew by and you have lost all track of time. You lay awake thinking about the memories and the plans for the future that you once shared, meanwhile texting another man that makes you feel like your worth his time. But, after weeks of investing into that guy, his baggage will become too heavy as well and your'e cut from his life because he is too scared to allow himself to have real feelings for you. But do you really care, you started texting him in the first place because you needed to move on from the heartache train.

So here you sit 6 months out from the night your whole life came crashing down. You know in your heart that you and your ex certainly weren't meant to be. It was toxic and would have ruined you. However, there is the part of you that knows no matter the amount of time that goes by, you will always love him. Love him on this weird level of love and passion that no one, not even yourself can understand. And you sit back and watch as he moves on with someone else. It is the very thing you tried to do but failed miserably at doing and you think does he love her on the level of passion that we loved? You want to give up and throw in the towel completely. You have lost your care because caring has only broken your spirit.

And maybe giving up, isn't so bad after all. Maybe it is time you learn what alone feels like and instead of run from the solidarity, run to it. Find that 18 year girl with a spirit of hope in love and renew her joy. Invest in those around you, you know, the ones that truly love you. And wait for that one guy to "come home." To be everything that every other one was incapable of being. He may never replace the ones that broke your heart, but he will super glue the broken pieces back together so you can feel whole again. You may have already met him, he may be right around the corner but for now embrace the imperfect feeling of pure loneliness. And revel in the imperfect feelings that Gods plan is bigger than you ever imagined. He made you have a heart this big for a reason. He made you see the good in people, when you want so badly to see the bad. He made you have a heart that is incapable of hate. While you can't see the good in that now, one day you will look back and say this is the reason for my pain. Someone will walk into your life that is strong enough to carry your baggage and carry his but still have room to hold your hand. You have always been the one holding on and carrying their luggage so they would hurt less. Because at the end of the day, you love that person and want to be there strength. But when you are the only one fighting, you are only fighting yourself.