Where are you Christmas?

Have you ever heard the Christmas song, "Where are you Christmas?" from the Jim Carrey version of The Grinch that Stole Christmas? Well, if you haven't, I recommend it. It is precisely where I am at this Christmas season. The Christmas season has always been my favorite time of year, however, this year, it hasn't felt like Christmas at all. Christmas is TWO days away and I'm still thinking it's June. The past couple of months have flown by. I have been going and going like the energizer bunny and Christmas has hit me like a brick roadblock. It is the first year, in four years that I haven't spent the holiday season working at the jewelry store and as much stressed as that once caused me, the hurt it is causing me now is so much worse. "Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?"

Christmas used to be that crazy time of laughter and pure annoyance decorating the store with my best friend. Going crazy hearing, "Dominick, the Christmas Donkey" for the hundredth time on the radio, until we switched it over to 98 Rock and got weird looks from "older" customers. Or eating all the moose munch with the girls before any customers could have any. "Where is the laughter you used to big me? Why can't I head music play?" 

So much about my life has changed this year. I graduated college, moved back home and started my career. On top of it all, I have had my heart broken more times than I can count and I am craving for the "New Year" in hopes that I regain that sense of joy that the Christmas season used to give me. The New Year is filled with hopes of new opportunities and the ability to finally put the past behind you. "My world is changing. I'm rearranging. Does that mean Christmas changes too?" 

Like I said, my world has been spinning since August and I can't seem to slow it down. Or can I? I have been the one keeping busy and trying to figure out how to move on from the life that I once thought was all I ever wanted. What do you do when your soul mate and best friend, aren't who you thought they would be forever? Well, you do what everyone  tells you to do... meet new people and feel your time with "stuff" so you don't allow yourself to hurt any more. So I do it but there's one itty bitty problem, I don't know the girl in the mirror anymore. She is running from feeling pain, yet it finds her around every corner. In four years, I haven't taken any time for me. In being someone's girlfriend, I lost sense of who I am. "Where are you Christmas? Do you remember the one you used to know? I'm not the same one, see what the times done. Is that why you have let me go?" 

Now, you see, I know where I came from, my values and beliefs I was raised with, I still hold in my heart. I am still confident in the woman that God has created me to be and I am faithful that his plan is bigger than any human hurting that I feel today, however, I feel like I haven't been putting myself first. I'm trying to replace something that doesn't need replacing or needs to be forgotten. They say time heals all wounds and I truly believe in time, I will receive all the answers I am searching for. "Christmas is here. Everywhere, oh. Christmas is here. If you care, oh." 

Despite the lack of Christmas spirit I have found myself in, it does not mean I have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. Love, unending and abundant love. I feel lost and I find myself craving the one thing that Christmas is all about.... the love of Christ. That is the best part of feeling lost, the hope of being found. And that's the awakening- Christ will find me no matter the state of my heart and love me. "If there is love in your heart and your mind You will feel like Christmas all the time." 

So while I continue to push through this journey of self-discovery and improving myself, I haven't lost hope or faith that this is simply another phase of life. Next year, I will look back on this moment and be grateful for the confusion and lack of Christmas spirit because I will be stronger and happier for it. "I feel you Christmas. I know I've found you. You never fade away. The joy of Christmas. Stays here inside us and fills each and every heart with love." 

Where are you Christmas? Maybe it hasn't been lost, maybe it isn't hiding or wanting to be found? I think it is the simple fact that with everything else in my life, Christmas is changing. I won't wake up at 4am with my sister to open gifts because she will be doing that with her fiance and daughter. This year, my Christmas joy will be watching my cousins and niece light up at seeing the toy they wanted for months. And as I sit around the table and eat dinner with my family members that have become friends, that is where I will find the Christmas and the peace that I haven't felt in months.