So one of my favorite professors has taught me that blogging can be very therapeutic and even if your post sucks and no one reads it, you are improving just by writing it. So here it goes, I'm gonna attempt to this more. I have had a ton on my mind lately. Between school, work, family, friends, and the impending deadline for finding a career before I am longer able to use the excuse of "I'm in college, I'll worry about next year." Well news flash, its next year! This time last year I was content and happy and the worst part: I was in love. I thought I knew where my career was heading and who I was going to spend my future with. I guess again, my favorite professor was right- don't get married or think about marriage until 30.
Don't get me wrong, being in love is one of the greatest feelings in the world but still being in love with that person and they turn and walk away from you, is pretty scaring. It's something that will probably never leave me, seeing the person I sacrificed for and loved more than anything just gave up on one of the best relationships both of us have ever had and may ever have. I mean what girl doesn't dream about marrying their best friend? I think that what has been so hard for me, I didn't lose some guy I was dating, I lost my best friend. Luckily, it only took us three months of complete hatred and anger to start talking again but things will never be the same. Part of me will always love him, part of me will always wonder what would I do if he changed his mind but theres the other part of me that is grateful that things ended when they did.
While I miss having someone tell me goodnight every night and good morning every morning and it kills me to see him with his new girlfriend, I am doing my best at being single. My entire adult life so far I have been someones girlfriend. And now I'm just me and something about that sounds good but in reality, it is so hard for me. Now, let me be clear, I haven't had multiple boyfriends since I turned 18, I have actually only had two but in those 4 years, I have always been introduced as _____'s girlfriend, and now I'm just Morgan. I don't know why titles are so important in our society, I like being introduced as Morgan. It gives me a small second to remember, thats whats important, thats who I am.
Now like I said this sounds good and I'm doing my best to not break down every day about why I wasn't good enough for the man I loved, but I'm always trying to find the good. I have suffered from depression since I was about 13 (before that I didn't understand how badly losing people you care about could hurt you). But, like I said I'm always trying to find the good to help get a grasp on reality and not feel hurt. It works sometimes and other days, I found myself laying in bed trying to cope. I am not good at being alone (I don't mean being single, I mean solidarity), never have been good at it but I'm trying to work on it.
I spent all day today at the MD Wine Festival with awesome people that I care a lot about and that care about me. I was surrounded by love and laughs all day long, yet I came home, got in bed and found myself needing someone to talk to. At times this scares me because I cant grasp why I cant stand being alone. Between figuring out a career and this, I have formed insomnia, which doesn't help at all. One of the reasons my ex and I got along so well was we both hated being alone, so we always had each other to text or talk to and now that is lost and I think thats why the insomnia has formed. But, I've learned maybe its ok that I don't like, I just have to tolerate it. I fill my days with people and stuff I love and I'm remember, I am not alone.
Another issue this all has formed is my sick addiction to social media. I distracts me and makes me feel connected, when alone. Scrolling through Facebook and Twitter tonight, I saw tweets and posts from girls, just like me, trying to figure how someone we love could hurt us or how to be alone. First, I was comforted that I'm not the only one. But it also bothered me, it shouldn't be like this. It takes ALOT to hurt or even bother me but this does. The fact that theres a girl hating to be alone and another feeling betrayed by someone she loves and another feeling insecure. Its despicable and while it would be so easy to blame the men, its not them, they go through it to (in some weird way, I will never understand) but they do. It those crazy girls that give us these ideas; that if we are single, we aren't good enough. If we don't look or dress a certain way, we will be judged.
Since the dawn of woman rights, woman have wanted independence and freedom, yet somehow, still in 2013, woman want to blame men for their insecurities. Sure, they may trigger it all and there are men that are just mean, but girls- stop hating on men. They are what they are and there are ones that enrich our lives.
I'm sick of all these crazy woman, making the rest of us look bad, when if we took a good long look in the mirror, we would see that we are the problem but we are also the solution. I could sit here and cry myself to sleep again tonight over missing someone but instead I wrote a blog for the world to see. I could sit behind closed door, keep it all in or I could post for for anyone on the planet to read. I chose the later, it was freeing and empowering and gave me a sense of reality. I could go on for days but I'll sum it up with a beautiful reminder that no matter the hurt, no matter the man involved in your life, no matter your current sense of lose, we are all perfectly imperfect. We are not alone in it.
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