I fell in love with my best friend this past year. He and I seemed to be perfectly imperfect. He made me mad and did dumb things but I could never stay mad at him for long. He had "chased"( I use the term loosely because it seems like an odd way to put it) after me for two years, he hurt me once and I forgave him without as much as batting an eye. We started dating and as corny as it sounds, I remember every second I spent with him. There were highs and there were lows. There were problems and issues. There was laughter and tears. But through it all, I saw past it and loved him unconditionally. There was a point in our year together that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. We were happy, inseparable and completely in love. Until one day he woke up and wasn't happy anymore. This broke my heart, I've had my heart broken before but I lost myself completely that day when he said "I no longer want this, I'm not happy and thats not ok."
I naturally blamed myself, I had spent the past three years making sure that he was happy and now he wouldn't even explain to me why he was all of a sudden unhappy. I didn't let go without a fight, I had promised him years ago that I would never give up on him, no matter how hard he pushed me away, I would always push back. I made myself look like a fool. My family was concerned about my well being and quite frankly I was terrified as to why I just could not let it go without an answer. To me this was not how my relationship with him was suppose to end- he was not suppose to hate me. The guy that used to tell me I was perfect was now telling me that I wasn't good enough. I felt pathetic and I felt lost. I was depressed for the first time in my life and I didn't know how to get better. I tried talking to friends and family. I tried keeping myself busy. I tried doing new things but nothing seemed to change the way I was feeling. I was mad at myself mostly for letting myself get so lost, for losing so much of myself.
I went to the doctor for a regular check up and he asked me if I needed help, he said that grief over something like this is normal but I was starting to look like a zombie of myself. I had formed insomnia and I hadn't eaten real food in weeks. When he asked me if I wanted anti-depressants, it terrified me.
I went home and talked to my mom. I sat in my childhood bedroom. I walked around my backyard and swung on my childhood swing set. I then did something I hadn't done since I was a kid, I got on our Gator and rode through the corn field to the farm. To the place I always went as a kid just to think and to pray. I went there and I cried for about an hour, not saying a word, just crying. And then I started to talk to God and ask him why?? Ask for the kind of peace only he can give. I went home that night and of course I couldn't sleep. So I started to look at pictures from high school, from my senior year. My life has changed a lot since then and while thats a good thing I also thought to myself, where is that girl? Where is the girl that was excited about the future, know exactly who she was and who was on fire for the Lord, how did I lose her along the way?
Right there, I felt peace. I looked in the mirror and I said thank you God for this life. For every person that has walked in, for the ones who have stayed and the ones who have walked out- thank you. I woke up the next morning and felt like myself again. I spent time with family and laughed with one of my girlfriends until we cried.
Besides going through a horrible break up this year, I lost two woman in my life that were amazing examples of strong Christian woman. I wear a bracelet everyday in memory of Aunt Glenda, it says on it- What Would Glenda Do? And that day that I felt at peace I put the bracelet on and I said to my mom, I think Aunt Glenda would want me to be happy and that is what I am doing- I am being happy. I hate the saying-YOLO, but it is so true. Life is too short to worry over people who don't appreciate you. Its too short to waste your time crying over broken relationships. God takes things out of our lives only to make us better and to bring us back to his embrace. I forgave my ex-boyfriend and myself that morning and I wish him only the best, I pray he finds everything he is looking for and more. I have learned that there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. My ex loved the idea of loving me but he wasn't in love with me and even though it ended poorly, I am so happy that it ended when it did and not twenty years from now.
I write all of this to say, no one is perfect, as hard as I strive to be perfect, I never will be. And I am enjoying every moment of this perfectly imperfect life. I am embracing every second and every opportunity. I am finding what makes me happy again and living in the moment, I'm not planning every detail and every minute. I'm happy with who I am, from head to toe. I'm IN love with the person God has called me to be. And for the first time in my life I can say I am IN Love with being imperfect.
Well until next year... who knows I'm sure by then I'll some form of God inspired moment to share :)
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