A friend of mine once told me, "Men never change." The statement was a little more elaborate but for my purpose here, that's all we need from that conversation. I used to think that he was wrong and was just coming up with an excuse for his "dude-like" behavior. I thought this conversation was ludicrous because, as women we want to think that if we love someone deeply enough that they will not change for us but sacrifice for us. And why is that? I think it is because we would do that very thing for them. Personally, I am willing to sacrifice so much for the ones that I love that I am left feeling hopeless and defeated when the ones that I love do not reciprocate.
I have been struggling lately with the person that God has created me to be. I forgive easily and I see the very best in people. I believe in second chances and I believe in following your heart. I have been a little annoyed with God lately for creating me in this way because it has left my heart broken and I only have myself to blame. I have sacrificed to see the ones I love happy and for a short while it left me happy as well until my sacrifices were no longer enough and I felt like I was clinging to the final shred of hope that I had until I couldn't stand any longer.
I've been walking around trying to rationalize the reason God is allowing this painful time in my life. But, the truth is, there is no rationalizing it. It sucks and while I fake a smile, I am hurting because I tried and failed. I chased after what I wanted so hard and never gave up but in the end, it wasn't enough. A lot went wrong and despite my best efforts to communicate how I was feeling, the other person saw my hurt as anger. And you come to the harsh reality that Disney lied to you and there is no fairy tale love. I no longer believe that there is one person out there for everyone. No, I am not saying be with a ton of people, what I am saying is that you have the capability to love many people in your life, but its finding the person that you sacrifice for just as much as they do.
I talked about "choices" in another post.We all have the choice of sacrifice for love but the question remains, will we? What will it cost? Will we go out on a limb or will we stay on the ground? Will we chose work or something material over something intangible like love and time with the people we love? We all have the power to make a choice but the question is what is going to drive us in either direction to make that choice.
We sacrifice a lot of things in life. We are driven a lot times by greed that we sacrifice the fundamental things that make us feel alive, that makes us feel human. Sure, I want to be as successful as the next person. I want to accomplish my dreams and be more than I ever hoped to be. But, I am not willing to sacrifice things such as love in the pursuit of those things. For every decision that we make, we are sacrifices another. Is there such thing as "having it all?" I think for some this is possibility but for others, it isn't.
This past Friday, was Good Friday. The day in history that our Lord and Savior sacrificed the most in order for us to get what we didn't deserve. But, as this past Friday came to an end, I sat there thinking, I completely forgot what today was and what it meant. I have been dealing with so much hurt that I allowed it to consume my mind, that I forgot to thank God for his ultimate gift. While in this time my faith has not waiver, I have not stopped praying ceaselessly, I feel like I have been at a distance from God. I have been broken down that instead of running to God, I feel myself a thousand miles away, as if I can't reach him through the agony. I have always been hopeless romantic and love being in love, that having it taken away has left me feeling like I am wandering around, waiting for something that isn't coming. Feeling this way has made very little sense to me, it simply doesn't make sense because when I feel like my heart can't take anymore, another curve ball is thrown my way and I'm struggling to throw away the last one. So I do the only thing I can do- I get on my knees and wait for God to give peace when I feel there is none.
The truth is, this is who I am and I am not ashamed of that because God created me in his image. I show mercy and love when I could harbor anger because that is what God has done for us. I sacrifice out of love because that is what God has done for us. And in my weakest hour, I find strength is Gods will. The cost of true sacrifice for love is losing part of yourself. Not everyone gets how to sacrifice because they confuse it with change. No one is asking you to change who are, but what most people don't do is sacrifice for the person they love because they feel it is changing them, it makes them a failure to themselves. In the pursuit of getting everything we want in life, most us lose the one thing that gives us reason to live the life we want- love. For me, without having love and people to share the journey with, none of it is worth it. I am defeated but I refuse to give up on love because without it, I no longer have any hope. The heart knows things that the mind can not explain, however, the mind reveals things that the heart has blinded us from. Just like this blog, so much of me is imperfect, it is still searching and until I find it, I will embrace the pain that God has laid on my heart and use it to strengthen my walk.
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