Why Quitting was the Best Decision that I ever made

Four months ago, I made the decision that I was going to quit my job. It didn't matter if I had a new job lined up or if I would just be unemployed for a period of time. When I was graduating from college, I was unsure as to what exactly I wanted to do with my career. I had this ridiculous dream to be a flight attendant and I came close to pursuing it but at the time I was dating someone who I thought I would marry so I took the safe route and found a reasonable job that was close to him. This job fell into my lap from my former internship supervisor. When I went to my interview, I was calm, comfortable and it just seemed like the perfect fit. And for about a year, it was the perfect fit. I was making good money, working with people that I liked and doing a job that came easily to me. But it was far from "the dream." However, there was potential for growth within the company so I did my very best to stay positive.

As time went by I started to feel discouraged and that I wasn't living up to my potential. When my boyfriend and I broke up, I started to think that it was a time to stop being comfortable and that meant looking for a new job. At first this scared me to death because I was a afraid of change. But there came a point when I started to hate going to work; not because I didn't like the company or my co-workers but because I just wanted to find something that made me feel more fulfilled when I left everyday. Because of this, easy tasks seemed like the worst thing ever and I felt like nothing I did was good enough. As the months went on, things got harder and I started to feel very depressed and unhappy. 

I came home one day and told my parents that I was quitting. For the first time in my life, I was quitting something that I started and it was not a good feeling; I didn't want to be a quitter. I started searching for a new job and applied to what felt like a thousand via Linkedin. Even though I was feeling the most unhappy that I had ever been, I continued to go to work with a smile and work my butt off. I remained positive at work and continued to do what I had from the day I started-  help my coworkers do their jobs to the best of their ability. 

I had applied for one job, blindly. Meaning, I saw the job title and that it was in the Baltimore area and just sent my resume. As it turns out, their HR department emailed two days later, wanting to interview me. So I researched the company more and found that they were headquartered in Rockville, which on a good day is two hours from my house and I almost didn't even set up the interview because of this. As it turns out, the job they were hiring for was for one of their remote offices at THE AVENUE at White Marsh. Which is a lot more reasonable from where I live. 

After two of the best interviews I'd ever had, they offered me the job. I remember checking my email after the gym and I started crying when I saw they had made me the offer. Two days later, I put in my resignation. It was very hard for me because I would be leaving a job that was comfortable and where I had made good relationships with my co-workers. Well some things happened and I ended up leaving earlier than my two-week notice because that is what I felt was best for me and unfortunately I lost some relationships in that process. 

While I was hurt and upset about the reasons my two-week notice was shortened, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had two weeks to do "whatever I wanted." I spent days playing with my 3 year old cousin. Shopping with my Mom. Getting my nails done. I dyed my hair for the first time ever. Went to the gym at 8am. Yes- this is me doing whatever I want. I went out for drinks on a Monday night with a wonderful guy who is now my boyfriend. He and I went to the movies in the middle of the day. I helped my sister move into her new house. Those two weeks opened my eyes to things that I never would have realized, if I had stayed at my old job.  

I started my new job on November 17th, the day before our annual Christmas tree lighting so it wasn't your average first day on the job but it was the most fun I'd ever had at work. After three months, I can truly say- I love my job. I am happier than I ever was at any other job I have had. Sure there are days that I would rather lay in bed and watch Netflix all day. My job gives me the ability to be creative, use my degree and education, and most importantly makes me smile. I work in an office with 6 other people and even though not every day is perfect, they have the ability to laugh at themselves and each other. There isn't any negativity and their is an equal respect for each other. 

When I quit my job, I quit a lot more. I quit letting my past effect my future. I quit trying to have control over things that I couldn't control. I quit living in the comfortable and began pushing my boundaries. I quit letting others effect how I perceive myself. I quit filling my time just to be busy and began filling my time with things that matter. I quit being unhappy and depressed. I quit forcing relationships that were fake and building ones that will last a lifetime. 

Quitting was the best decision I ever made to be perfectly imperfect. I am grateful for my first job and all that it taught me. I am grateful for the relationships that I made there and grateful for the ones that remain. But saying goodbye to that job, gave me the ability to say goodbye to the past and starting my new job let me start my happier and brighter future. A lot has changed in the past three months and I am happier than I have ever been. If you are unhappy in your job or your relationship, have the courage to make the change to be happier. No money or "love" is worth your unhappiness. Find your happiness and do what allows you to fulfill your passions. Heres to 2016 and the beautiful imperfect journey that is ahead. 

Lessons Learned from a 3-year old

This morning while driving to work, listening to the new Eric Church CD (highly recommended-btw!) I was inspired by his song: 3-Year Old. The song is about the lessons that his 3-year old son has taught him. Its a very cute ballad about how his son thinks his wife is an angel and that the best place to hide a set of keys is in the trash can. But I think my favorite line is when he says, " Nothing turns a day around like licking a mixing bowl." Because on my most stressful days, I would love to be home baking cookies with my mom and licking the mixing bowl.

As adults, we get lost in our everyday lives and forget what it is like to see the world through the purest of hearts-a child. We spend so much time trying to teach them things about the world, that we don't realize that they teach us so much more. I don't have any children yet, but my family has plenty of children that are constantly teaching me something that I wouldn't have learned with my adult brain.

My three year old cousin, Natalie, never ceases to amaze me. She constantly puts a smile on my face and reminds me how precious life is. Natalie has taught me more in her three years than most people have and she doesn't even know it. She has taught me that unconditional love is a real thing. I never knew I could love someone so much until I met that little girl. She has taught that it is okay to be clumsy and fall down, as long as you get back up and laugh about it and say "I'm just ehsausted!" (translation-exhausted). She has taught me that its alright to be wrong, as long as you say you are sorry. She has taught me that I am beautiful; she tells me constantly that I am VERY pretty and there is no greater compliment than from her. She has taught me that when I am sad, all I need is a hug and kiss from her to know that everything is right in the world. She has taught me that your greatest blessings sometimes come in the smallest packages.

But shes not the only kid that teaches me lessons daily, she is just the only three year old. My cousin, Logan is a teenager and has taught me that hard work and determination are the key to achieving your dreams. The kid is such an inspiration to me, he wakes up every morning before school and practices for his swim team. His commitment and passion for what he does is truly inspiring. He is constantly getting better at swimming, while having good grades in school. The kid is going to do great things because of his own desire to achieve great things. I think if we all had that kind of positive drive and desire, this world would be a better place. He pushes himself to be better than yesterday and I think that's something that we all need to strive to do in an imperfect world.

Take a minute and appreciate what the kids in your life are teaching you. Their lessons are most powerful because they don't even know that they are teaching them to you. There are so many lessons that my family members kids have taught me, I could go on forever. Like Prestons vivid imagination or Mikaylas wit and sass that always stops me in my tracks. I am beyond grateful for my family and for these kids that have already impacted my life in ways, they don't even know. Most importantly, they have taught me that your are never too old to be silly and embrace your inner kid.

Check out Eric Church' new song: http://tasteofcountry.com/eric-church-three-year-olds/

Thats a wrap

Well I guess it's that time of year again. That time when we start reflecting on the past year and where do we see ourselves a year from now? Did I meet the goals that I had set on New Years eve? Am I where I thought I would be? We all do it, no matter how dumb we think the concept of "New Year, New me" is.

Did I lose that magical 10 pounds? Did I get a raise? Did I fall in love? Did I go somewhere or do something that I never imagined I would? The answer to yes. However, in the past year I've also gained 10 pounds, had my heart broken and sat at home on a friday night when I should have been exploring the world. Thats the thing about living imperfectly, it isn't black and white. The goals you write down on paper aren't always as they seem.

This past year has been far from what I had planned this time last year. It's hard to believe that a year ago, my heart was still aching from breaking up with my boyfriend of three years. It's hard letting go of someone you love, its even harder losing your best friend. I still struggle with this daily. My ex and I were together all through college; an extremely important time in my life. I missed out on a lot of opportunities by being with him but I wouldn't change a single thing. Even though, I still fear the day that we run into each other at the grocery store and make awkward eye contact and dart in opposite direction; I will always care for him and I am grateful the things he taught me and in a way, continues to teach me.

A year ago, I had met someone new. Someone who I thought would take away the hurt of losing my best friend and be the love of my life. I was once again, I was wrong. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him and I never believed that a relationship so short could change me so much. I was crazy for this guy and than he broke my trust and even though I will always love and care for him, some things can not be fixed. I learned my limits and most importantly I learned that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought.

This time last year, I was working in a job that came easy to me. A job that I felt fortunate to have. But as this year went on, I began dreading going to work everyday. There was no passion and part of me felt held back. When I graduated collage, I so badly wanted a job. This one fell in my lap and I am still so grateful for it and the opportunity that it gave me but it wasn't a forever job. One of the reasons I took the job was because it was close to ex-boyfriends house and everyday I would go to work and be reminded of the life that I thought I was going to have. Well I am two weeks old at my new job and I actually enjoy going to work! I even enjoy my hour of alone time in the car on my way to and from my office. I laugh every day and I cant even tell you when the last time was that I cried.

Well 2015, much like 2014, I am ready to wrap this year up! I think I have learned all that I have needed to learn from you. I learned that life is precious and to spend as little time being unhappy as you humanly can. I learned that love comes into your life quickly but it can leave quickly as well. I have learned to never become complacent; to challenge your mind and body everyday. I have learned that I just want to be happy, even when I am sad. I have learned that the people you never would have expected will come into your life and make you happier than you ever imagined. I have learned that some days will suck but others will make you feel so alive. I have learned that as much as I plan and envision 2016, God has other ideas in mead. I learned to not sweat the little things- so who cares that I didn't do the dishes right after dinner? SO I trip in front of a 100 people. I have learned that sometimes, you just have to let others set the pace and let go of the control.

I learn something every day from the most unexpected people. So much was lost in 2015 but so much more was gained. I'm ready to ring 2016 in with the coolest cats I know.

Winds of Change

Do you ever return to a place that once meant so much to you and think how did we get here? How did we get so far a part? Well that happened for me today. I went to the jewelry store that I worked in for four years during college. It still feels like home to me and couldn't help but see the "help wanted" sign in the window and not want to go behind the counter and re-organize the cases. And while this place is still a place of comfort for me, so much has changed. This store was once the place I went to work everyday, just to fill my truck with gas. It was once the place that my best friend and I would goof off decorating for Christmas. It was the place where I fell in love with said best friend and thought that one day we would be the couple buying our wedding bands out of those cases. Well as life would have it, that is not the situation.

Life has a way of surprising you. I couldn't help but stand there today and think of all the memories there and all that has changed in just two short years. I think back to the 18 year old that I was when I first started working there 5 years ago and how that person seems like a complete stranger and very distant memory. Part of me wants to cry and the other part of me is so grateful for where life has taken me. 23 has been, to say least-rough. I think they call it the 23-blues because lets face it, "no one likes you when your'e 23."  It's a very strange age and I have literally felt like I have been having a quarter life crisis. The highs are many but the lows are very deep. I have been at my job now for over a year and while I am beyond grateful for it, I feel myself yearning for something more. Being at my job for a year, means I've been living back at home for well over a year now. And while I adore my parents and love the money I am saving, I feel myself yearning for a place I can call my own again.

Everyone around me is having babies and getting married; both of which scare the shit out of me. Which I've learned isn't completely out of the ordinary for a 23 year old, even though sometimes I think I am on a Island all by myself. Is this really where I expected to be at 23? In case you were wondering the answer starts with a big F NO! If you would have asked me even a year ago about where I thought I would be, this is not it. I find myself confused more often than not about virtually every situation that is thrown at me.

But this, as I have learned: is life. That God is going to use this time of complete confusion and feeling lost to reveal something that I never expected. I had a plan but somehow the course was completely changed. Two years ago, I had planned on marrying the boy that I met in the jewelry store and now I have no idea how he is doing. Two years ago, I had planned on pursuing a career in sales and now I am working as admin at an accounting firm. Life has a way of not going the way you planned. You think you are set on one path for a particular destination and end up on the complete opposite side of the road. Life has a way of disappointing you and surprising you in ways you never imagined.

I've found myself in this funk lately and feeling very pessimistic. I've kept my head above water and just keep swimming because I know that this very weird time in my life is serving a greater purpose than I am able to understand right now.

"Hey! How is she doing?"

She has a blank stare on her face and fakes a smile so she appears to be fine. When in reality she is falling apart. No one understands and they want to help ease the pain but nothing does because very little makes sense. She loved deeply and now she has no desire to share her love and passion with anyone else. He consumes her every thought and she questions her own sanity because of it.

But is she the one, who is really insane. One single person shattered her plans and now she wanders around looking for a cure to the pain she feels over losing one of the greatest loves she has ever known. She never believed in love at first sight until she found him. From the day they met, he felt like the piece that had been missing from her for a long time and she never knew it. She knew what loving him meant and what it would cost but the sacrifice was worth it because she had never felt more connected to any other soul before in her young life.

Time will go on and she will move on. She will fall in love again but will it ever erase losing him? Will it allow her to forget he existed or will she lay awake at night wondering if he is out in the world and is doing okay. She struggles to understand why she misses him when the pain outweighs the times of joy she had with him. But those moments made her feel so alive, made her feel like she was the only women on the planet. She was always so at ease with him and never judged a single thing he did or didn't do. She accepted him for who he was and loved him unconditionally. She sacrificed and fought with herself because for all the reasons that it was wrong; there was the one reason it was right and that was the love she felt and still feels for him. She longs to tell him that she is proud of him and that he will always be a hero to her.

He has changed her outlook on love and her perception of accepting change. He has heightened her awareness of what she deserves and what she needs to move forward. Her insecurities are on the surface and she fears the world will call her out on it. She craves to be at peace in her own heart and mind. She promised to never give up and never let go but now she is forced to do so. She doesn't want someone to complete her or even be her other half because she finds completeness in herself. What she wants and desires most is to have the one person that makes her laugh like no one else does but who also sacrifices as much as she does and who stands in the storm instead of running away. Someone who fights for her and not with her. Someone who dreams big but doesn't take her away from her own dreams. She wants to understand how one person can mean so much and have such a powerful impact of her daily life. She is strong and smart but this has left her weak and unsure of how she will shake it off.

She is scared that she will always worry about him and never know if he is okay. She is scared the wound is too deep to heal, like Taylor Swift says "band-aids don't fix bullet holes." She wonders does he hate her for a raw emotion or does he love her the same as he did when they would walk hand in hand. He will soon become a memory but he is just as much apart of her present as when they were together. She carries him with her every moment. He told her to move on because he couldn't be what she wanted and deserved. She thinks that is what stings the most of all. More than the loss, its the idea that is not that he couldn't, its that he wouldn't. She knows that he could be everything she deserves because he is everything she wants. She struggles to let him go because she knows its not what he wants either but what other choice does she have then to let go. She tries so hard to let go but his memory is holding on tight. She goes out with other guys and thinks "I can do this, I can feel again." But in reality her heart is not in it, she feels as though she is wandering, unable to find a destination or simply a place to rest. So she continues to run, fast but not always steady. For the first time in forever, she finds comfort in being alone and all she can think "is this my destiny?"

The fear of trying is so much greater than it has ever been, She wants to be stronger and know that it can only go up from here. But, what if  this is where she remains? Because she gets three steps ahead and then out of no where, it hits and she slides back down. In the midst of adversity, she has decided to smile and cry when she needs to and then lets it all go.

An Open Letter for myself

Dear someone that I once knew,

Right now you are probably running through fields or playing games with your cousins (who, by the way, will grow up to be so much smarter and more creative than you but its all good because they inspire you) or you are watching a damn fairy tale movie that will give you unrealistic expectations of love and life in general.

Look around and be so grateful for the two people raising you. They are and will continue to be the greatest examples of true love and strength you will ever know. Be grateful for your sister because she is and will continue to be the greatest role model you have. Go to school and be grateful for your friends because, believe it or not, you are still friends with them 10 years later. Go to your aunts on Thanksgiving and be grateful for all those people in that room because they are and will continue to be the best support system you will ever know.

There are things I wish I could have prepared you for. I wish I could have told you that your heart is going to be broken... A LOT! There are people that you will love, that are going to let you down and you will never be able to fully let them go. You will learn in time how to just be without them. It is going to be painful, but those friends you are being grateful for will help you learn to walk again.

There are going to be times that your faith is going to be tested. Don't worry, you will withstand the storm and God will teach you a lesson that you never imagined needing to know. Through it all, God is making you stronger. The important thing is to not forget to love yourself, while loving others. God gave you a big heart so you love those that need and want you, long after they are deserving of your attention and love. But in the midst- do not forget that you are important too. Do the best you can and don't take life too seriously. Your heart is going to be hurt and you are going to beat yourself up for allowing someone to have any ounce of control over your feelings. Your'e going to beat yourself up more times than you would like to admit but learn that it isn't you that hurt you. They were either not right for you or they hurt you to prepare you for something more or to give you thicker skin.

For a long portion of your life, you are just going to be confused. This is not because you are stupid, this is because you desire to understand everyone and everything you encounter. Face the reality- people do not make sense. Not everyone is going to be authentic or genuine with you and that is not your fault. You are going to have a long portion of your life where you have zero regrets and you think that makes you feel empowered because you are living life to the fullest and making memories. Trust me, your'e going to hit a roadblock and the regret sinks in like a bad case of the flu. Its not that you wish you could undo anything because in every memory, you knew what you were getting into and isn't that memory you wish was gone, it was moments in the the memory you wish you could change or simply forget forever. But those regrets are the very things that are shaping your destiny.

Right now you are probably playing Mario Cart with Tyler and Aaron or working on a school project with Courtney, which trust me, it isn't the end of the world if it sucks or you are simply daydreaming of tomorrow.

Get ready to change, for everything to change. Yes, there are things that remain the same to this day and will probably continue to remain the same but so much will change so fast and sometimes it takes years for you to feel the effects of the change. There is going to be this one person that is going to walk into your life and literally change everything and you have no idea it is happening until that person walks out of your life. The strangest thing of all is that you will never for one second regret knowing this person. Because the thing is-love doesn't knock on your door often, but when it does you have to let it in... no matter how short of a time period that it stays. Trust me, there are a handful of people that you will look back on and say, "God, I could have done without ever knowing [blanks] name." And believe it or not there will come a time that you make decision that you will attempt to change who you are but its okay because you see the fault in it and it steers back to where you  need to be.

Be open to life and embrace the experiences, even the ones you are going to regret.You are going to fall on your ass more times that you want to admit. You are going lose your spirit and be broken more times than you think is acceptable. You are going to be stronger because of every set back because in they weren't holding you back but pushing you forward.

Sincerely,
Someone I don't fully know yet

The Cost of Sacrifice

A friend of mine once told me, "Men never change." The statement was a little more elaborate but for my purpose here, that's all we need from that conversation. I used to think that he was wrong and was just coming up with an excuse for his "dude-like" behavior. I thought this conversation was ludicrous because, as women we want to think that if we love someone deeply enough that they will not change for us but sacrifice for us. And why is that? I think it is because we would do that very thing for them. Personally, I am willing to sacrifice so much for the ones that I love that I am left feeling hopeless and defeated when the ones that I love do not reciprocate.

I have been struggling lately with the person that God has created me to be. I forgive easily and I see the very best in people. I believe in second chances and I believe in following your heart. I have been a little annoyed with God lately for creating me in this way because it has left my heart broken and I only have myself to blame. I have sacrificed to see the ones I love happy and for a short while it left me happy as well until my sacrifices were no longer enough and I felt like I was clinging to the final shred of hope that I had until I couldn't stand any longer.

I've been walking around trying to rationalize the reason God is allowing this painful time in my life. But, the truth is, there is no rationalizing it. It sucks and while I fake a smile, I am hurting because I tried and failed. I chased after what I wanted so hard and never gave up but in the end, it wasn't enough. A lot went wrong and despite my best efforts to communicate how I was feeling, the other person saw my hurt as anger. And you come to the harsh reality that Disney lied to you and there is no fairy tale love. I no longer believe that there is one person out there for everyone. No, I am not saying be with a ton of people, what I am saying is that you have the capability to love many people in your life, but its finding the person that you sacrifice for just as much as they do.

I talked about "choices" in another post.We all have the choice of sacrifice for love but the question remains, will we?  What will it cost? Will we go out on a limb or will we stay on the ground? Will we chose work or something material over something intangible like love and time with the people we love? We all have the power to make a choice but the question is what is going to drive us in either direction to make that choice.

We sacrifice a lot of things in life. We are driven a lot times by greed that we sacrifice the fundamental things that make us feel alive, that makes us feel human. Sure, I want to be as successful as the next person. I want to accomplish my dreams and be more than I ever hoped to be. But, I am not willing to sacrifice things such as love in the pursuit of those things. For every decision that we make, we are sacrifices another. Is there such thing as "having it all?" I think for some this is possibility but for others, it isn't.

This past Friday, was Good Friday. The day in history that our Lord and Savior sacrificed the most in order for us to get what we didn't deserve. But, as this past Friday came to an end, I sat there thinking, I completely forgot what today was and what it meant. I have been dealing with so much hurt that I allowed it to consume my mind, that  I forgot to thank God for his ultimate gift. While in this time my faith has not waiver, I have not stopped praying ceaselessly, I feel like I have been at a distance from God. I have been broken down that instead of running to God, I feel myself a thousand miles away, as if I can't reach him through the agony. I have always been hopeless romantic and love being in love, that having it taken away has left me feeling like I am wandering around, waiting for something that isn't coming. Feeling this way has made very little sense to me, it simply doesn't make sense because when I feel like my heart can't take anymore, another curve ball is thrown my way and I'm struggling to throw away the last one. So I do the only thing I can do- I get on my knees and wait for God to give peace when I feel there is none.

The truth is, this is who I am and I am not ashamed of that because God created me in his image. I show mercy and love when I could harbor anger because that is what God has done for us. I sacrifice out of love because that is what God has done for us. And in my weakest hour, I find strength is Gods will. The cost of true sacrifice for love is losing part of yourself. Not everyone gets how to sacrifice because they confuse it with change. No one is asking you to change who are, but what most people don't do is sacrifice for the person they love because they feel it is changing them, it makes them a failure to themselves. In the pursuit of getting everything we want in life, most us lose the one thing that gives us reason to live the life we want- love. For me, without having love and people to share the journey with, none of it is worth it. I am defeated but I refuse to give up on love because without it, I no longer have any hope. The heart knows things that  the mind can not explain, however, the mind reveals things that the heart has blinded us from. Just like this blog, so much of me is imperfect, it is still searching and until I find it, I will embrace the pain that God has laid on my heart and use it to strengthen my walk.